The Epic Arrival of Steven Lamp: Episode 2 – Prelude to a Birth

Labor…that's a great use of a word to describe giving birth.

It takes a LOT of work to give birth to a kid. Think about it. The woman has to carry this kid around with her for nine-plus months. She has to eat like a fat kid that had just come back from Somalia. The woman goes through more mood swings than you ever could have imagined (and trust me, all women go through mood swings, it just takes on a life of its own when they are pregnant). Then, they balloon from that perfect vision that you married into the lady in Shallow Hal.

And that's just the pregnancy part. We haven't even TOUCHED on the birthing part.

That's where our story begins…labor.

On Monday, Bonnie went to the doctor and it was decided that at 5 p.m. she would be checking in to the hospital and that Steven's planned arrival would be on Tuesday.

After checking into the Baptist Medical Center Downtown hotel (better known as the birthing rooms), Bonnie assumed her position in the bed and began taking some medicine to help her dilate more. I'm not a doctor (although some people could confuse me as one), so I'll leave all the medical terminology out of fairness, accuracy and quite frankly, good taste.

To say that Bonnie was uncomfortable was an understatement. She had not felt good for awhile and Steven wasn't making things any easier.

After taking the medicine and 10 mg of Ambien, it would seem like Bonnie would sack out quickly. Instead, she couldn't sleep – even through Escape From Alcatraz starring Clint Eastwood, which I thought was a sure fire way to put her out (a side note – no offense, but how the heck the warden didn't keep a better eye on Morris when he knew that the guy was the smartest person on the island is beyond me. Also, is the movie better than Shawshank or worse? I'm torn at this point.).

Instead of being able to sleep, Bonnie can't get comfortable which leads to her not getting any rest. She can't take a lot of pain meds because she's due to get an epidural in the morning when the inducing process truly begins. So, instead, she and Nurse Mindy have a running dialogue of how to get her comfortable and asleep – in the end, the only person that wins is me as I'm able to find a weirdly comfortable position on the sofa that allows me to stay warm enough in the frozen tundra that has become our room (a side note – you may think I'm embellishing the room temperature, but I'm not. It was somewhere around 60 degrees in there at one point).

The sun rises, as do I, awaking to see that Bonnie is up and Nurse Mindy is trying to alleviate some pressure on Bonnie. A few hours later, Bonnie gets her first dose of the medicine that is to purge Steven from the womb and into the world. She also gets her epidural and officially goes off the reservation at that point as she is jacked up where she can't feel a thing.

This all happens around 10 a.m. Bonnie has dilated 2 cm…that's a FAR, FAR cry from where she needs to be for Steven to make his way through the escape hatch.

Around 2, the doctor comes back to take a look to see how far we've come and if we're ready to really go into labor (I thought we had done that awhile back, obviously I was wrong). They broke her water – and literally broke it – sending out a gusher of fluid that looked like something straight out of a movie.

Alas, it didn't produce the wanted result – an instant rush to labor and Steven's arrival. Back to work on the IVs – depositing some fluid and meds to push Bonnie's dilation.

So, the doctor leaves with a planned return later in the afternoon. Coming back at 6, a different doctor took a look and shoves her hand in a place that is revered. What she found, sent the room into a tizzy and turned our world upside down quickly.