The Epic Arrival of Steven Lamp: Episode 1 – Just Another Saturday Night

It was a normal Saturday night, or least as normal as any other one since Bonnie became pregnant.

Over the past nine months, I had become convinced that Steven was a big fan of Robert Frost and taking the road less traveled. He had a tendency to kick, all hours of the day, as well as slide from side-to-side, driving his mother nuts.

As we were watching movies at the house, it became clear that Steven was fired up this evening. His kicks were CLEARLY visible from the other side of the room – i.e. his father was able to make out his foot trying to bust through his mother's stomach. Steven wanted to take it a step further though. He started shifting side-to-side so violently that you could see him sliding across her belly.

It was a touching moment to know that he would soon be out, but it also scared the living crap out of me knowing that he would be out soon.

While that moment was scary enough, later that night it went to another level.

As were wrapping up a movie, Bonnie was having contractions. Now, I'm no doctor (and I have the grades to prove it), but that word can put the fear into any man – especially with the faces Bonnie was making at the time. She was in pain, that was pretty evident, but fortunately they were only just bursts of pain that quickly subsided.

At this point, the two rocket scientist weren't sure if Mrs. Lamp was in labor or not. Her contractions were between 7 to 10 minutes, not very long and she was able to talk very quickly after them. So, in fear of looking like of idiots and going to the hospital for a false alarm, we decided to make a call to the OBGYN doctor in an effort to see where we were at in the birthing process.

So, it was a call to the doctor's office answering service. Five minutes later, the doctor called back and put us at ease by letting us know that Bonnie would officially be in labor when her contractions were coming every five minutes and she couldn't breathe between them.

I this point, I think I became faint at the idea that Bonnie would be having contractions like that at home really put me off kilter. It was then that I decided that if Bonnie got to having contractions five minutes apart that I would be bolting with her to the hospital faster than Jeff Gordon in a NASCAR race.

With the threat of a weekend birth over, paving the way to Bonnie's doctor appointment on Monday, we were able to go to bed. Or at least attempt it.

During my two month exile to the couch, I have become accustomed to going to sleep with the TV on an old movie. While Bonnie was sacked out in the bed, I was on the couch battling a panic attack as I realized how close I was to becoming a father. Fortunately, John McClain was battling the former Marines in Diehard 2, so I was able to relax after the attack and slowly fall asleep.

With sleep mode achieved, it doesn't take much to rustle me awake. About five minutes after I had fallen asleep, the doctor's answering service called back to see if the doctor had called us – waking me to talk to the young lady and confirm that we had talked to the doctor.

Steven wasn't coming any sooner than Monday, that much was confirmed.